Priscilla's Blog

My Thoughts Spelt Out

Archive for the category “Love”

Love – No, One Size Fits All!

 Say what you need to say…

 

Yes, I took it from John Mayer’s chorus, but has he copyrighted this phrase that I shouldn’t use it here?

 

This phrase implies that we need to express ourselves explicitly, in sync with our thoughts and minds, especially the emotions, and in particular when we are in a relationship…, these emotions are like a hot magma (the material that a volcano spits) need to be released when it needs, else it will manifest in a variety of ways: frustration, depression, insecurity, you name it! But my question is how do we do that? Is there a standard way that ‘expressions’ must be ‘expressed’?

 

As you’re already aware that I’m not only a serious proponent of the natural selection theory postulated by Charles Darwin, but also a supporter of his subsequent work, the sexual selection process. Instead of quoting his long text here, take a look at this (not that long video) Sexual Selection and the Art of Courtship, to get a glimpse of that work.

 

I think, this sexual selection ‘celestial dance or drama’ complicates our emotional expression – in particular it confuses many folks about certain type of emotional expressions, like this Crazy Little Thing Called Love between a man and a woman; be it a dating couple, the married ones or even between ‘friends-with-benefits’ sort of connections! For, my question is, a man, for instance, if he can put a grand colorful show to attract a woman to propagate his genes, shouldn’t the ‘much-sought-after item’, the love, be expressed as well in all its pomp & glory? I came across an article that claims that a man verbally saying “I love you” is the height of expression of his feeling for his woman! Is that true?

 

Let’s go to the core and take Darwin himself as a test-case and see how he executed his sexual selection process – actually, let’s cut to the chase and see how he expressed his love to his wife, Emma, and she to him , if at all love has a place in the evolution!

 

Having decided to marry (Emma, his cousin) on July 29, 1838 Darwin visited Emma and told her about his studies and ideas, about mutation of species, and so on. Emma was an unwavering religious woman, but still Darwin was not hesitant to express his contradicting views, and his skepticism about her beliefs openly! So, did she fear about this apparent incompatibility? Of course she did, she even discussed with him at length the differences, and her fears that this would separate them… With all this going on at the foreground, on November 11th the same year he returned back and boldly proposed to her!  …and continued to discuss about his radical ideas! This looks like a guaranteed to fail sexual selection drama to me! Well, did she accept his proposal? YES  on the same day! 10 days later she wrote a letter to him, a love letter 

 

When I am with you I think all melancholy thoughts keep out of my head but since you are gone some sad ones have forced themselves in, of fear that our opinions on the most important subject should differ widely… I thank you from my heart for your openness with me & I should dread the feeling that you were concealing your opinions from the fear of giving me pain. It is perhaps foolish of me to say this much but my own dear Charley we now do belong to each other & I cannot help being open with you…

 

Who are these people?  They were married a month later, January 29, 1839, and had 10 children , and lived for each other, even when the ‘death did its part’ to three of their children, to him and finally to her. When Darwin completed his celebrated work ‘On the origin of Species’ he gave it to her and asked her to read & decide on her own whether to burn it or publish it! She read, fully, and said to him “you have succeeded in making me your accomplice, may the Lord forgive both of us – go publish it”!

 

Rest is history.

 

Here is my conclusion that I believe: Every individual has a different way of expressing themselves when it comes to emotions, like love; it also depends on the person who expresses, and the person to whom it is expressed. There is NO such a thing called ‘one size fits all’.

 

In the above instance:

 

  1. Emma feared about their strong difference of opinions, because she believed in afterlife, and hence was concerned and desired that they should     “belong to each other” for eternity! Isn’t that a beautiful expression of love? Without speaking a word, that which is anxious about separation!
  2. And, “I should dread the feeling that you were concealing your opinions from the fear of giving me pain…”. Isn’t this too a perfect expression of love? That which cares & speaks volumes in a simple sentence!
  3. He laid his life’s worth of discovery on his wife’s hand, whether it be burnt or published. I think, this IS a stunning class-act expression of love; compare it with a cheap $10 bunch of red roses (with a fancy preprinted “I love you note”) that eventually ends up in a trash can, and then to the garbage dumpster!
  4. And finally, the “… go publish” decision by Emma… Does it not scream “ I LOVE YOU my own dear Charley”?  I was almost in tears when I wrote this last part!

 

So, don’t despair anyone out there, who expect the love-of-your-life to put-up a show, like those magnificent ‘celestial dance & tricks’ that the couples do for their sexual selection rituals; if you do, you will be disappointed every time! Love is a different species folks, you know your beloved like no one else does, those unique acts of love, subtle cues, moves, gestures of care, uh man… only you both know!

 

Bottom line: Love does NOT play by universal rules & standards that we set, my beloved friends, even if it happened to be Darwin!

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An Expression of Love

When I watched Iker Casillas’s (Spain’s Golden Gloves winner) post-match interview, conducted by his girlfriend/TV Reporter Sara, I was reminded of Roy Croft’s quote, which says:“At different states in our lives, the signs of love may vary: dependence, attraction, contentment, worry, loyalty, grief, but at the heart, the source is always the same. Human beings have the rare capacity to connect with each other, against all odds.”

How true; in the midst of a live TV interview, Iker connected with Sara, in a most profound way!! 🙂

 

  

Fundamentals of Love – Revised

An email I received (read my comments below):

The fundamentals of love.

Think back to the day when you first laid eyes on her. You found yourself charmed by the way she talks, the way she dresses herself to show off her best features and the way she embraces life with her laughter. It seemed as if a mysterious “chemistry effect” has suddenly developed to draw you closer to her.

You two then began to meet regularly, and you discover more things that you admire about her. Her clever ideas, her healthy values and the way she stands up for you when others doubt you. You find yourself thinking of her not just as a normal friend, but a very good friend. It is often during this period that a boy and a gal will start thinking of bringing their friendship to another level. After all, the kind of wonderful experience you have between each other can only become even better if it develops into a romantic relationship. In other words, the feeling is really unique – no one else seems able to replace her in your heart.

So both of you agree to go steady and work even harder on the relationship.

You “graduate” to become a couple, and are the envy of the sea of singles.
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When You Forget The Fundamentals

However, at some point in your relationship, you forgot how it all began.

You start to take your partner for granted. Why can’t she laugh in a more ladylike manner? Why doesn’t she dress herself more trendily? Why must she assert her views and point out your silly mistakes? Is she really the one for you? To be fair to yourself and to her, take some time to reflect on your “love memory”. The “love memory’ contains all the reasons that you fell in love with her right from Day One. It contains rarely accessed snippets of how your life has changed since meeting and loving her.

Pre-steady days, did you heap compliments on her for the brave way she spoke her mind on bullies and snobs? You probably did. Did you like her unusual fashion sense that makes her stand out from the crowd? Right-o. So why are you criticizing or finding fault with her now that she is your girlfriend?

Because you have forgotten the fundamentals of love, like so many of us. You have forgotten the reasons you admired her during the friendship phase. Instead, once you went steady, you put your “love memory” in cold storage.

As her boyfriend, you take up a new set of demands and expectations about her. These new ideas are not necessarily better; they could put your relationship at risk.

The Secret Of Strong Relationships

A healthy relationship, like learning to walk properly, follows a step-by-step development. You can’t possibly become part of a couple if you aren’t friends in the first place. Ok, I know some of us break the rule and plunge straight into whirlwind courtship, but how many of those couples can go the distance? Couple hood works well when there is something you like about her (and vice versa), and I’m not referring to merely the physical aspects.

So whenever your relationship hits a rocky path, don’t give up without checking on your “love memory”. Rediscover the reasons why you fell in love with her, and watch your relationship flourish with a newfound vigor.

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L-Listen O-Overlook V-Voice E-Effort

Love is to listen to the needs of the other party: giving without asking for returns, overlook the faults and find the plus point of the other party, voice out & say sweet things and express your happiness and words of encouragement for the other party, putting in effort, keep putting in more time to find the world of love.

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My stand:

Has anyone wondered why no one disputes 2 + 3 = 5? or 6 x 2 = 12? No one seems to suspect or argue even when some answers sound like “when x approaches zero, y approaches infinity”, in spite of the fact that “infinity” is undefined. Ok, here is my reason: Math is predictable, definable, quantifiable, logical and rational and that is why there is no need to have discourse on elaborate theories explaining why 2 + 3 is 5; because it is so natural to humans (no wonder we like to call ourselves “rational beings”).

Unfortunately, we take an emotion (the raw ‘lust’ to be precise), which in reality is a necessary prelude to intended “gene repair” and fake it to something divine; the selfless love. Worst of all, the whole world desperately attempts to “reason-out” this emotion exactly as they would do with Math (eg. The fundamentals of love., When You Forget The Fundamentals, The Secret Of Strong Relationships, L-Listen O-Overlook V-Voice E-Effort huh, and what not)!! What they do not understand is that this emotion is not predictable, not definable, not quantifiable, not logical and irrational!! (Plus selfish, opportunistic, conditional.. etc.)

“Selflessness”, “unconditional”, “all forgiving”, “all giving and no taking” are some of the keywords which we find no place, not even a trace in the emotion that binds man and woman when they date. (BTW, I am not discounting that there exists no love between the two, but what I am saying is that “love” is not the premises upon which they execute the process call dating, because it vehemently conflicts with the true premises; the “gene repair”!)

 – Priscilla

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